Reg.: Dec 2001
Location: Secret Tweaker Pad
Posts: 1035

chuck norris

from doa


CHUCK NORRIS
by Plan B.

"Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day."

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"hey wie gehts euch?""hey wie gehts euch?""hey wie gehts euch?""hey wie gehts euch?""hey wie gehts euch?"

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Reg.: Jul 2004
Location: above
Posts: 556

quote:

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Originally posted by cpt. ahab
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

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Reg.: Jun 2002
Location: #drumandbass.at
Posts: 555

ist meines Wissens nach die Primärquelle.

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Reg.: Dec 2001
Location: Secret Tweaker Pad
Posts: 1035

nun ja ashes vielleicht ist es auch irgend einem kreativen hirn entsprungen.........

und es war schon ziemlich klar, dass es nicht von doa selbst kreiert wurde.....

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Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T invented fools. Realising the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.


In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's jibba-jabba.


On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.

In 1989, Mr. T systematically killed every member of the band "MR. MISTER" for stealing his first name.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.


Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.


Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

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Reg.: May 2002
Location: Planet Dub
Posts: 2392

quote:

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Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

---

ahahahahahahaha

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Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

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Reg.: May 2004
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quote:

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Originally posted by cpt. ahab
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

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Reg.: Jun 2002
Location: Myanus
Posts: 281

Re: chuck norris

quote:

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Originally posted by cpt. ahab
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

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quote:

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice

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mAx

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St. Hanappi

Wenn Dir das Glück den Rücken kehrt,
und man im Stadion Pfiffe hört,
dann werden unsre Lieder
lauter um Dir wieder
Kraft zu geben kämpf mit Herz!!

F*CK THE

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Reg.: May 2004
Location: vienna -- sound.squad.system
Posts: 119

quote:

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Originally posted by cpt. ahab

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

---

HAAHAA

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Chuck Norris was once held prisoner back in 'Nam. Chuck plucked a hair from his beard, picked a booger and combined them together to create a grenade launcher and killed every soldier in the prison. Once he was back in America he told his story at a bar. A desperate producer overheard his story and a light bulb lit up in his head. That night MacGyver was born

After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine


For every man you don't kill, Chuck Norris kills seven

The Big Bang did not happen, Chuck Norris did.

An 8 year old boy and his grandfather are at an Action Hero conference and the 8 year old boy asks his grandpa if he thinks Chuck Norris is tougher then Rambo. Chuck Norris, with his excellent hearing, hears this and roundhouse kicks the 8 year old boy in the face. He then roundhouse kicks the grandpa in the face because he felt like it. At this precise moment, Chuck Norris is searching for Rambo. You know why.

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Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris


President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

Contrary to popular belief, Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart can actually combine. However, it is not Captain Planet that materializes out of thin air to stop ecological disasters from destroying our fragile planet, it's Chuck Norris dressed in full jungle camouflage with an uzi and a flamethrower.

Until 1983, all Chuck Norris movies were filmed with a hidden camera.

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Last edited by cpt. ahab on 17-01-2006 at - 07:18

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Reg.: Oct 2003
Location: das leben ist kein wunsch konzert
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Reg.: Mar 2003
Location: 1060
Posts: 638

bwahahaha

in world of warcraft gibts sogar ein addon, wo man die verschiedenen sprüchen in den chats posten kann...chuck hat da mittlerweile kultstatus

mein favorite:

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Reg.: Jul 2004
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Posts: 556

da

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Reg.: Oct 2006
Location: nivea
Posts: 3

danke!....

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quote:

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Originally posted by mad

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Reg.: Nov 2005
Location: T-Town / STP
Posts: 517

Chuck Norris hat bis zur Unendlichkeit gezählt........ ZWEI MAL


Wenn Chuck Norris ins Wasser geht, wird er nicht nass, nein, das Wasser wird Chuck
Norris.


Chuck Norris kann Drehtüren zuschlagen!


Wenn Chuck Norris Liegestütze macht, drückt er sich nicht hoch, er drückt die Erde
runter.


sind meine favoriten!

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boooooom

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Reg.: Apr 2003
Location: kingdom of doom
Posts: 2049

oida...

der mensch stammt nicht vom affen ab, er stammt von chuck norris ab :D

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dishing it out like a premiership footballer in a bentley showroom

it takes a teenage riot to get me out of bed right now

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Reg.: Jun 2001
Location: 47° 33''09.66" N | 7° 34''57.50" O
Posts: 974

ich mag den silentwolf thread lieber!!

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this one's dedicated to all the ravers in the nation..
******************************
>>> <<<
>>> <<<

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Reg.: May 2003
Location: the hatch
Posts: 857

quote:

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Originally posted by Tom

in world of warcraft gibts sogar blablabla...

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immer diese wow opfer ohne rl und freunde!

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95% Percent of teens would have a breakdown if justin bieber was standing on the edge of a tower ready to jump, copy and paste if your a part of the 5% yelling
"Jump Dickhead... and take the Jonas Brothers with you!!!!"

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Reg.: Nov 2006
Location: VTKF
Posts: 3100

chuck norris benutzt kein kondome, es gibt nichts was dich vor ihm schützen kann!!!

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Last edited by ganjamann on 34-18-1999 at - 08:39

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Last edited by ganjamann on 34-18-1999 at - 08:39

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Reg.: Apr 2003
Location: kingdom of doom
Posts: 2049

oidaoida...

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dishing it out like a premiership footballer in a bentley showroom

it takes a teenage riot to get me out of bed right now

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Reg.: Nov 2006
Location: Hoagascht_Homebase
Posts: 569

looool was geht ab.... soll das ernst gemeint sein, für eine Präsidentschaftskandidatur?!?!?!?

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